If "Superman Returns" was a Tshirt on a fat guy at a NASCAR event....

it would say:
Three Reasons Why Superman Returns Is Like My Wife
1) Has No Idea What A Climax Is
2) Lots of Talk, Doesn't Say Anything
3) Sure Looks Purty In A Cape

Superman Returns is an InAction Movie. Not enough happens, there are some plot details which really make you question how you feel about Superman, and they managed to make Parker Posey boring, a feat that astounds me. As far as reporters go, I'd rather watch the Connie Chung farewell for three hours than bland Kate Bosworth.
On the other hand - Spacey's pretty watchable, Brandon Routh and James Marsden are attractive, and the production design is gorgeous. I just wish all those pretty sets and costumes spread out over 147 minutes told a story I couldn't sum up in about 5 minutes without missing anything major. Not so good.

Here are a couple of other complaints:
Film Structure/Continuity/Basic Logic:
Shouldn't something exciting happen in the last 90 minutes of this movie?
Shouldn't Lex's plot be foiled before it goes into effect? You know, before it messes with the nature of the planet and splits apart a tectonic plate? That doesn't seem like the kind of thing that goes and repairs itself all quick-like.
Honestly, is Kitty's Great Brave Act really that important? It seems so tiny for the amount of time they spent building up to it. Not to mention the fact that it's now unlikely that Superman could ever recover the items Lex stole.
I'm certain the will that the dying old woman signs is valid. Of course it is. She signed it in the moments before she passed in the presence of nobody but the beneficiary of her estate. I'm certain that's legal. Do they not have Anna Nicole Smith where the screenwriters live? Wouldn't this have brought on some legal issues which would then expose Luthor to the press? (I understand it's Metropolis, and not New York City, and that they live in the DC Universe, but they're trying so hard to make it a living part of our real world, it would be nice if they paid even partial attention to how our real world works)
Hey - uh, if he had that shard of Kryptonite in him the whole time, and the uh, GIANT land mass he's lifting out of the Earth's crust has the properties of Kryptonite, how the hell is he doing what he's doing? It's just a question, and I'm sure it's to be answered with something about his incredible will and all, but I think those are just bullshit answers.
There was a fair amount of mentioning Marlon Brando's 1978 performance being reused for this film. What's he got, 30 seconds of screen time?

Character/Actor Issues:
Um, if Superman's so virtuous and good, why is there even a question about who Lois' kid's father is? Was there premarital sex? With an alien, for chrissakes?
Also - if the kid's 5 years old, how old are we supposed to believe Kate Bosworth's Lois is? How old when she finished college? How long did it take to become the premier reporter for a major city newspaper? (Bosworth, by the way, is 23 as of this writing)
Truly - I don't know who was more boring in this picture among the leads. They were all so bland and colorless. (speaking of colorless - here's a fun game! Count the Minorities with Speaking Parts! What a big White city Metropolis is! Hooray!)

Murky Themes:
Three words: Baby's First Murder! They're so cute at that age.

One Last Thing - if Lois Lane is 23, and the kid is 5, that means that the child was conceived when Lois was, if my math is correct, 17 or 18. Is Superman now a rapist in addition to being an absentee father? (And, while we're at it, a douchebag who leaves his girlfriend without any warning after having unprotected sex with her?)
Just askin'


Mind you - I would not have had such time to think about all these bits of business if something was actually happening in this movie. I appreciate that they didn't want it to be some sort of by-the-numbers, set piece-to-set piece type of film, but it would have been nice for something wow worthy to happen. There isn't enough gravitas to the plot or people to sustain it as a drama. Among the serious comic book films, this falls well behind the Batman Begins and Spiderman 2s of the world.

How "Jesus Is Magic" was like "The Island"

Bear with me here.
Last year, my chum and hetero man-date went to see the first showing of Star Wars Episode III (we're so cool).
Anyhow, the theatre was packed fulla losers like us (or if you were in DE, like ). The most memorable moment was before the film unspooled. The preview for the Michael Bay opus, "The Island" came on. Once the preview finished, there was absolute silence. Except for one guy, about 5-7 rows in front of us. He perfectly encapsulated the crowd's opinion of the preview (and thus, of the entire film):
He said, "No."
That was it - just a plain spoken, slightly louder than normal speaking voice, "No." Maybe the funniest thing that I witnessed in a movie house in 2005.
I tell this outdated story for a reason.
My roommate and I watched "Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic" on Sunday night. After the longest hour and six minutes of my life were over, my roomie just stared at the television (more through the television, if that's possible) and said, "No."
It was the most we laughed all night.
Jesus is Magic is a slow, unfunny trip through the mind of someone who I think is a funny person. Some of the jokes are shock/funny, but the film is so stiflingly paced it's amazing. I nearly nodded off several times during the film. At one point, my roomie had to shout my name to jar me awake. The songs aren't that funny, or good. The concert footage would be good if it wasn't cut like a Calvin Klein commercial (the director ADDS silence with all the duts he makes. I repeat, he ADDS SILENCE). It should have been a 30 minute deal, or an hour on Comedy Central. For goodness' sakes, they make Bob Odenkirk unfunny. And not in an ironic way. Just unfunny.
Please, please, please don't watch this movie. Save yourselves.

DRATS! Foiled Again!

My date () has taken ill, so I won't be attending this evening's performance of The Wall in Philly. Sorry - I'm so bummed. (But there's no way I'm headed down there solo.)
Have a great show! No Prisoners!

Then suddenly there is so much Keane...

Saw Keane tonight at the Bowery Ballroom with and das Moyn. What a show!
First - if you ever get the chance to see a band you really like play a small venue like The Bowery, you should go. You should make sure you don't miss out. It's a great intimate space that tends to have excellent sound, available bartenders, and enough floor space to pogo (if you must).
Second - This was the only show that Keane will play in the area until the launch a formal tour. They're in NYC doing press for their excellent new album, Under The Iron Sea, so the place was packed with Keane fans (some of whom paid exorbitant prices for tickets) who knew a lot of the lyrics and sung their brains out. Even with crowd singing, Tom Chaplin's voice was crystal clear.
I'd go on ad infinitum about the Keane show, but I'm way tired, and I've gotta work tomorrow, then off to Philly for 's Wall. Such the social butterfly.

a dream photo...

Very funny for some...

I know I'm not the only one...

1) I am so stoked for Superman Returns. (I'm sure not nearly as much as .) The guy looks like he might do the role some justice (and if not, he's kinda purty), and I think Spacey as Luthor is spot on casting. That's before we even get to the fact that Parker Posey is going to play another scenery chewing villainess (ahh... Josie and the Pussycats).

2) I'm really, really bummed about the poor US showing in the World Cup. I guess I'm going to root for the English side now. (And maybe Argentina. Though they are sorta diametrically opposed politically. I think this was how I got through the Falklands, too - cheering for both sides.)
I'll pull for the English because, well, they're English. But Argentina is playing such a beautiful brand of soccer right now - great bits of creativity, some amazing combination play, breathtaking skill, really. So I think if the Argentines were to face the Brits, I'd be wearing some sky blue and white. And maybe doing an eight ball of blow in honor of Maradona.

They did it! I can't believe it...

My brother got married this weekend. He and his wife (WIFE!! Ahhh!) are so fantastic - the whole experience was wonderful.
Click here for pics.
Long weekend. Happy times.

for <lj user="secondtino">

Here's a little something to make it a tad tougher to go to sleep tonight.

So...

It appears that Lindsay Lohan is squashing rumors about who she's dating. Normally, this wouldn't even be worth reading twice, but the last line from the publicist is great: "Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas."
Can you believe it?
Maybe Linday's overseas boyfriends can meet the girlfriend I have in Canada that claimed to have in middle school...

With apologies to <lj user="jeremym">

Recently, my friend posted about his hating match.com and how it's contributed to him no longer dating.
I tsk-tsk'd his position. Until this evening, when among my emails was a response to my ad on match.com. Among the thrilling three sentences (way to show you're interested! Forty three words!) from the 22 year old law student is the following gem, "You look like my Poly Sci professor in undergrad."
Since reading that line, I've had two more beers, and tried to talk myself off the ledge. (Mostly because I live in a 2 story house, so jumping off the ledge would do little more than destroy a hedge or a flower bush)