Three Reasons Why Superman Returns Is Like My Wife
1) Has No Idea What A Climax Is
2) Lots of Talk, Doesn't Say Anything
3) Sure Looks Purty In A Cape
Superman Returns is an InAction Movie. Not enough happens, there are some plot details which really make you question how you feel about Superman, and they managed to make Parker Posey boring, a feat that astounds me. As far as reporters go, I'd rather watch the Connie Chung farewell for three hours than bland Kate Bosworth.
On the other hand - Spacey's pretty watchable, Brandon Routh and James Marsden are attractive, and the production design is gorgeous. I just wish all those pretty sets and costumes spread out over 147 minutes told a story I couldn't sum up in about 5 minutes without missing anything major. Not so good.
Here are a couple of other complaints:
Film Structure/Continuity/Basic Logic:
Shouldn't something exciting happen in the last 90 minutes of this movie?
Shouldn't Lex's plot be foiled before it goes into effect? You know, before it messes with the nature of the planet and splits apart a tectonic plate? That doesn't seem like the kind of thing that goes and repairs itself all quick-like.
Honestly, is Kitty's Great Brave Act really that important? It seems so tiny for the amount of time they spent building up to it. Not to mention the fact that it's now unlikely that Superman could ever recover the items Lex stole.
I'm certain the will that the dying old woman signs is valid. Of course it is. She signed it in the moments before she passed in the presence of nobody but the beneficiary of her estate. I'm certain that's legal. Do they not have Anna Nicole Smith where the screenwriters live? Wouldn't this have brought on some legal issues which would then expose Luthor to the press? (I understand it's Metropolis, and not New York City, and that they live in the DC Universe, but they're trying so hard to make it a living part of our real world, it would be nice if they paid even partial attention to how our real world works)
Hey - uh, if he had that shard of Kryptonite in him the whole time, and the uh, GIANT land mass he's lifting out of the Earth's crust has the properties of Kryptonite, how the hell is he doing what he's doing? It's just a question, and I'm sure it's to be answered with something about his incredible will and all, but I think those are just bullshit answers.
There was a fair amount of mentioning Marlon Brando's 1978 performance being reused for this film. What's he got, 30 seconds of screen time?
Character/Actor Issues:
Um, if Superman's so virtuous and good, why is there even a question about who Lois' kid's father is? Was there premarital sex? With an alien, for chrissakes?
Also - if the kid's 5 years old, how old are we supposed to believe Kate Bosworth's Lois is? How old when she finished college? How long did it take to become the premier reporter for a major city newspaper? (Bosworth, by the way, is 23 as of this writing)
Truly - I don't know who was more boring in this picture among the leads. They were all so bland and colorless. (speaking of colorless - here's a fun game! Count the Minorities with Speaking Parts! What a big White city Metropolis is! Hooray!)
Murky Themes:
Three words: Baby's First Murder! They're so cute at that age.
One Last Thing - if Lois Lane is 23, and the kid is 5, that means that the child was conceived when Lois was, if my math is correct, 17 or 18. Is Superman now a rapist in addition to being an absentee father? (And, while we're at it, a douchebag who leaves his girlfriend without any warning after having unprotected sex with her?)
Just askin'
Mind you - I would not have had such time to think about all these bits of business if something was actually happening in this movie. I appreciate that they didn't want it to be some sort of by-the-numbers, set piece-to-set piece type of film, but it would have been nice for something wow worthy to happen. There isn't enough gravitas to the plot or people to sustain it as a drama. Among the serious comic book films, this falls well behind the Batman Begins and Spiderman 2s of the world.
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